Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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