I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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