so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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