I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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