I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
