The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
