My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
