i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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