my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
