He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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