i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
