so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
