Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
