I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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