she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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