Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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