i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
