dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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