Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
