the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
