She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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