Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
