Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
