i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
