I showed him my bush... on skype.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
