3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
