I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
