where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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