Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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