if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
