Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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