I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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