Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
