Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
