Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
