Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
