Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
