Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
