ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
