I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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