I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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