Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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