He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
