So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
