the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
