you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
