Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
