Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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