I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
