you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
