we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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