that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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