I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
