talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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