who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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