i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
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