His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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