I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
