If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
