Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
