RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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