I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
