Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize