so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
