you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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