Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
